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                  那一刻,他向全世界交出了自己

                  推薦人:初見 來源: 愛散文 時間: 2018-02-17 00:33 閱讀:

                    每年的九月,都有那么幾天,周遭、媒體,鋪天蓋地都是有關恩師的話題。受環境所染,忽然想起一位老師來。

                    這位老師姓于。八十年代初期,在我就讀的一所中學教英語。

                    彼時,學校條件十分有限。學生住宿只能自己去校外找。極個別的,老師會安排在某個辦公室。當年,我與幾個住宿女生被安排在教導處。隔壁便是于老師的辦公室兼宿舍。

                    那是一排座南朝北的老瓦房。一進門便是一條貫通東西的長長的走廊。然后一間挨一間的各科辦公室。一到冬天,開放式的走廊冷風嗖嗖的。尤其晚上,校園里一片寂靜。晚自習回來,摸黑經過走廊時如同遭遇封鎖線似的,屏住呼吸的我們再也顧不上矜持,腳步頓時變得倉皇起來。然后,絲絲哈哈閃身入室。

                    室內的環境亦不容樂觀。能散發熱量的除了一個通炕的爐子便是那鋪不大的火炕。房屋舉架很高,四面透風。鼻子里進出的呼吸清清楚楚。

                    學校不設食堂。學生住校自己帶米,然后再以計數的方式交與伙房。校方免費為學生煮飯。一年到頭,全體師生清一色都是高粱米飯;副食一般都是從家帶些咸菜下飯。與窮學生相比,老師多少強些。卻也僅限于自做的一些簡單菜肴。

                    初中階段,我的英語成績尚可(筆試)。只是所學竟是地地道道的啞巴英語。

                    受多方條件制約,成長中好多事情家長無力參與。一個偶然的機會,內心的糾結與于老師和盤托出:意在能補一補音標最好。我只是順嘴說說,既未提及報酬更不涉及家長參與。沒想到的是,于老師竟然爽快的答應下來。之后的日子里,每天晚飯后,都會準時出現在于老師的辦公室,有效學習一會。其實,除了補課,還有一個小心思愿意過去:同是一趟老房子,于老師的宿舍比我們的暖和多了。有一天去得早,我便端詳起同樣簡陋的房間里的不同來:只見一扇進出的木門沿著門邊,從頭至尾被于老師在里面釘了一層厚紙板。然后,又用報紙里外糊了一遍。這樣一來,小屋嚴實多了。爐火生的正旺,劈啪作響。剛出鍋的海米燉大豆腐呈暖白色映著油亮的紅辣椒,還冒泡呢。雖是一道素菜,彼時卻羨煞我們。暖融融的房間加上裊裊飄升的菜根香,讓離家在外的我忽然感到有種生活的清甜在里面。

                    在于老師的幫助下,很快掌握了音標的拼讀。也正是基于當年的功底,若干年后,未及女兒英語開課,我便“捷足先登”,買來教材與光碟,邊學邊教女兒。再到后來有道詞典助力,英語與我終未走遠。

                    一次偶然的出國經歷,又一次讓我正視了自己的外語實力。

                    師者,傳道、授業、解惑也。設若沒有一個恒久的堅持,我相信當年的補益算不了什么。不過,畢竟是引線,是源頭。是鹽在哪咸、醋再哪酸的根本。

                    那時的老師,責任感太純粹了!

                    這么多年,不止一次的想起飛揚的青春和曾經的過往。只不過,本能的沖動一直未能抵御羞于表達的個性。從而讓感念風干在了幽深的歲月里了。受環境蠱惑,一種暖念瞬間復燃,且越發激昂熱烈,欲罷不能。

                    終于得到一個確切消息:于老師退休了。不過,私奔了……電話那頭堅定的語氣讓我愣在原地。并且,腦海里疙疙瘩瘩的全是他。

                    甫識于老師時,中等身材的他方三十出頭。相貌端莊、穿著樸雅、干凈利落。一副干練的知識分子模樣。在我初中的三年里,作為教學骨干的他一直都是三年部班主任。

                    畢業班的管理有別其他。當上半年將全部新課程結束后,下半年的大部時間基本就剩復習了。越到后來,自習課越多。每天下午,氣溫飆升,困意來襲的畢業班學生便仨一伙、倆一串各自拿本書,然后真真假假的或操場一角或大墻根下一呆一下午。而于老師帶著全班學生一坐一節課。他的班級不僅成績是一流的,即便上操,也能表現出與眾不同來:步伐整齊、站姿優美,口號響亮的一定是于老師的隊伍。流動紅旗到了他們班就再也不曾流動過。

                    有一天早晨,好像是季節交替的當口,突然發生了一件事情。具體怎回事,我都忘記了。只記得“禍從心病起”的于老師與校領導(內親)發生了一場不小的沖突。之后便一舉搬離英語組,去了體育組辦公。也正是因為那一天,他的前世今生又一次成為整個校園竊議的焦點,像對待功課一樣,被人重新復習了一遍。

                    若干年前,剛剛參加工作的于老師屬民辦編制。他的積極、進取被許多人看好。轉正當時,校領導為其介紹一個對象,身為農民的對方除了一個特殊的身份再無其他(領導至親)。所有人都看出了其中的端倪。迫于壓力,他答應下來,也如愿轉為國家公辦編制。

                    看似已經扯平的事情其實從未扯平過。決定只是片刻的事情,而為決定埋單的將是一個漫長與艱辛的付出。并且,被動滋生叛逆的定律適用任何人。

                    接下來的許多年里,于老師的那位內親領導一直以鐵腕政治掌控一方。同一個單位,每一次遇見,都似在傷口撒鹽一樣。怨,一次次被點燃。

                    有哲人說:“愛情是兩個人的事,有人就是算不開這個帳”。所有的事情,一旦有了背景,原本簡單的事情便不再簡單。婚姻也是,紅塵陌上,多少牽手背離了為愛出發的本質,為生存而舍棄了真正的生活?

                    前幾年,于老師唯一的孩子在都市安了家。考慮親家能力有限,便用自己的名字貸款幫孩子置下一套房產。

                    一個偶然的機會,電話里他告訴我:他現在很好,老伴在市里幫著照看孩子。他自己在家,種點地。他說:他喜歡農村,喜歡有點事做。我也時常聽說,于老師種菜的技術,無人能出其右。

                    私奔,為什么?這(女)人干啥的能讓人這么動心?既然去意已決,就在當地生活又如何?思緒稍停后,電話這頭的我忽然想起了什么似的,補充著。這人也是附近的,都六十多歲了,還干啥呀,單身。個人條件還行。這不,一年一年的他也一個人,她也一個人,時間長了,就到一起了。這人原來的丈夫挺讓人失望的。反正他倆都挺不幸的。也沒人說啥,那也不得勁唄,老親少故的。走有大半年了……

                    或許,如今的我早已為人妻、為人母。見慣了紛擾,稔熟了激烈。懂得了站在一個成人的角度思考問題。沉默有頃后忽然有悟:這似乎有別于一樁普通的濫情事件。人啊,誰都不容易,都有難處的!

                    兩個沒有起點的人,強扭在一起,生兒育女,到孩子立業成家,幾十年韶光,到底真的不和諧抑或有太多的遺憾在里面,我們不得而知。不過,有一點是確定的:無論如何,在向全世界交出自己的那一刻,都是一場連皮帶肉的撕扯。天知道,歲月漂染的白發里,曾經追問過怎樣的人生秘密?一念決堤后,暗夜里自己與自己的爭斗、撕扯、談判與講和……

                    人們總是習慣于只重結果,不問前因。中國人的傳統觀念:寧拆十座廟,不破一樁婚。如此想著,忽然一個念頭明亮起來:在愛的季節里,每朵花都有盛開的權利。如果,站在人性的角度,對生命做一次積極的考量,是不也有讓人同情的一面?

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